it's been a while since i've written stuff here. lesse..
my summer classes just ended yesterday. i can finally kick back and relax now that our summer projects are done or... semi-done. there's still that pesky defence on may 30. still, summer's ending and i haven't done anything worthwhile.
i definitely want to go the beach. maybe just once before the regular classes start. i can see it now - warm summer sun spreading its rays on the horizon, crystal clear waters, beautiful babes... sigh.
anyways, my love life gone from worst to bad. back when i was YOUNG (that's in highschool) i was sort of a flirt (i still am). i wasn't aware of that then. i just realized it sometime ago. i enjoyed the company of lotsa girls. i had a crush on almost all of the girls in my barkada. maybe it was the excitement of getting to know them that blinded me. it probably wasn't attraction. it was more like interest. this is how i am. i love girls.
i've fallen in love with only two girls in my life. one was in highschool and one was in college. my first love was an achiever. she was very intelligent, witty, cute and loved by all. we were seatmates in second year. we talked a lot, texted a lot and saw each other a lot. i fell for her eventually and the rest is history. fast forward to 2 years later. she suddenly changed after our last summer of highschool. she suddenly turned a cold shoulder towards me. i didn't know why. i found out later after i wrote her a letter saying how much i loved her that she loved somebody else. She loved him even before she knew me. i felt really bad that day. The world was unfair. I chose to move on after crying a bucket of tears.
I talk to myself a lot when im depressed. I pretend that im talking to someone who accepts everything i have to say whether its wrong or right. its my way of dealing with things - anger, hate, love, stuff.. so i talked and talked until the pain in my heart subsided. i tried to rationalize everything that had happened. i tried to figure out what i had done wrong or what i hadn't done at all. in the end, i couldn't find the answers. i tried to fool myself by thinking that i shouldn't love her, i didn't need to love her.. that i didn't love her... but to whoever said that love is all in the mind - you were definitely wrong. my heart ached like it was shattered into a million pieces.
and then we graduated. we went to college at the same university. we were friends again. now, just friends... close but not too close.
and then history repeats itself. you know the rest.
my love life's gone from worst to bad. it's gotten better. my heart has setted but i think i can't possibly fall in love anymore. i think im doomed to walk this world alone. it's better to love that not to have loved at all.. yeah. i think so too. in love, the reward is better than the risk.. but when you go through all the risk and all you get is a punishment in the end.. love isn't that tempting anymore.. somebody please save me...
