love is a hidden fire,
a pleasant sore,
a soothing pain,
an agreeable torment,
a sweet wound,
in short - a gentle death!

so long sweet summer

it's been a while since i've written stuff here. lesse..

my summer classes just ended yesterday. i can finally kick back and relax now that our summer projects are done or... semi-done. there's still that pesky defence on may 30. still, summer's ending and i haven't done anything worthwhile.

i definitely want to go the beach. maybe just once before the regular classes start. i can see it now - warm summer sun spreading its rays on the horizon, crystal clear waters, beautiful babes... sigh.

anyways, my love life gone from worst to bad. back when i was YOUNG (that's in highschool) i was sort of a flirt (i still am). i wasn't aware of that then. i just realized it sometime ago. i enjoyed the company of lotsa girls. i had a crush on almost all of the girls in my barkada. maybe it was the excitement of getting to know them that blinded me. it probably wasn't attraction. it was more like interest. this is how i am. i love girls.

i've fallen in love with only two girls in my life. one was in highschool and one was in college. my first love was an achiever. she was very intelligent, witty, cute and loved by all. we were seatmates in second year. we talked a lot, texted a lot and saw each other a lot. i fell for her eventually and the rest is history. fast forward to 2 years later. she suddenly changed after our last summer of highschool. she suddenly turned a cold shoulder towards me. i didn't know why. i found out later after i wrote her a letter saying how much i loved her that she loved somebody else. She loved him even before she knew me. i felt really bad that day. The world was unfair. I chose to move on after crying a bucket of tears.

I talk to myself a lot when im depressed. I pretend that im talking to someone who accepts everything i have to say whether its wrong or right. its my way of dealing with things - anger, hate, love, stuff.. so i talked and talked until the pain in my heart subsided. i tried to rationalize everything that had happened. i tried to figure out what i had done wrong or what i hadn't done at all. in the end, i couldn't find the answers. i tried to fool myself by thinking that i shouldn't love her, i didn't need to love her.. that i didn't love her... but to whoever said that love is all in the mind - you were definitely wrong. my heart ached like it was shattered into a million pieces.

and then we graduated. we went to college at the same university. we were friends again. now, just friends... close but not too close.

and then history repeats itself. you know the rest.

my love life's gone from worst to bad. it's gotten better. my heart has setted but i think i can't possibly fall in love anymore. i think im doomed to walk this world alone. it's better to love that not to have loved at all.. yeah. i think so too. in love, the reward is better than the risk.. but when you go through all the risk and all you get is a punishment in the end.. love isn't that tempting anymore.. somebody please save me...

i never wanted it to end

i finally finished Kingdom Hearts II!!! it was such a great game; it's got a wonderful story, a lovable cast of disney and squaresoft characters, and just loads of fun to play. however, finishing it made me realize that my great and awesome journey through the different worlds of the game was over. sigh. now i gotta find me a new game. i'm excited about Kingdom Hearts III though. i wonder what it will be like... hehe. just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

hey JAMMIN JANA!

hey thanks for dropping by. it's not really that AMAZING. haha! but thanks anyways. you can embed music in your blog by adding this to your template script (embed src="site/music" loop="true" autoplay="true" volume="80" hidden="true")
for example:
mine goes like this

(embed src="http://www.gamerlounge.com/midi/playstation2/kingdom-hearts/always-on-my-mind.mid" loop="true" autoplay="true" volume="80" hidden="true") replace () with <>

you can find such music on the net by going to webcrawler.com. i suggest you use music that are .mid format cause they are smaller compared to mp3 and wav. .mid formats have no vocals though.

looking forward to hearing from you soon!

update

background music: always on my mind from my favorite Kingdom Hearts

where art thou summer?

Lately I have been holed up in my room and doing nothing. I have my own world, apart from the chaotic reality that is the outside. I am quite busy with schoolwork these few weeks. I think I am about to have a major burnout. I am so tired from all the thinking. The hot summer never looked so welcoming. I look forward to going to the beach, chilling out with my friends and just having fun. However, schoolwork is a pain in the ass. I guess I just have to suck it in and tread through the stretching trail of burning sand.

soooooper lazy

tapos na ang prelims.. and so ends midterm... finals na naman. to tell the truth.. i'm pretty tired of school, of doing the same old things everyday, and of friends who never seem to change for the better. i never really enjoyed our numerous parties, outings and gimiks.. strange really. i'd rather be spending time alone. and when i'm alone.. all i need do is play around and more or less do nothing to merit any praise. i feel like being lazy always. i don't feel like studying. i'm always late or absent for my first class. what the heck is happening to me?! i guess i have no more inspiration.. nothing to keep me alive and well.. nothing to look forward to. i don't feel like planning for my future. time is going too fast. everyday is like a blur of noise, lights and people. how i wish i could stop time and linger in every moment that is precious. i miss the feeling of being warm, of being cared for, of being alive..

something from a friend

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute.

bliss

sabi pa ni alain bliss is happiness.. (correct me if i am wrong lain). naisip ko lang un kasi right this moment.. i'm in bliss. atik lang. haha. wala lang malagay sa blog and it's needs updating man. so.. end.

another thought about love

To love someone is to isolate one from the world, wipe out every trace of her, dispossess her of her shadow, drag her into a murderous future. It is to circle around the other like a dead star and absorb her into a black light.

Jean Baudrillard

music to my ears

(it's been a while since i posted a new entry here.. let's see..)

let me just share this with you. i usually don't have the writer's appetite. that is why i have a tendency to forgo my scheduled blogging sessions. however, when i listen to the embedded music here(flowers blooming in the church from Final Fantasy VII) the magic begins.

new year has come and gone.. people made their resolutions and now try to follow them.. i for one did not.. i didn't feel the need. perhaps, i've already changed maybe for the better or maybe for the worse. i wouldn't know. but i'd like to believe that it's for the better.

i've learned a lot last year. i'd like to mention a few. i've learned that indeed honesty is the best policy. it is true academically as it is emotionally. i wasn't honest to myself back then which means i feel like i am now. i don't feel the need to meet others' expectations of me now. i consider myself captain to my ship. i won't let anybody dictate the life i should live. i've also learned that with joy there is sadness, with life there is death and with love there is hurt. i guess i knew that as far as i could remember however i merely "knew" and did not "experience".

i regret a LOT of things i have done. i admit i have been my worst last year. i did some things i thought i wouldn't do especially to a person whom i love. love makes people do crazy things as they say. if i were to meet "the me last year", i would kick the crap out of him. well, life's like that. the best way to live life is to simply live it with all its highs and lows. but last year didn't only bring me regrets. it also gave me the best memories of my life-memories that i could cherish for the rest of my life. although they keep haunting me to this day and making me regret the things i've done, it's only when i remember those memories that i feel that i was truly alive.

eventually this year will become the old year and the vicious cycle will continue. but as i set sail on this section of my life, the year 2006, i light up the lantern aboard my humble ship - the hope that this year will bring me more memories to cherish, more people to appreciate and love and more experiences to experience. a happy new year to you all! ^-^

(tinatamad akong magproofread. pasensya na sa grammatical and spelling errors)

a respite from the past

i dwell in present yet i always find myself looking back on the past. "why?" memories keep flashing before my eyes.. it's true what they say that memories are the hardest things to erase. regret.. this i most fear. but alas! i cannot escape its chains. it binds me everyday, every passing second. "no!" my heart aches. no longer do i feel hurt. now i feel only emptiness. they say it's easier to forget when you let go and move on. "i can't move on.. i still haven't let go." my heart still belongs to her though she may not think it anymore. "sigh" i am doomed to walk this barren wasteland of sorrow. i am not desperate. i am just heartbroken.. broken.. i think beyond repair. "somebody save me" i needed a rest from the past. i had. now it's ending. "farewell!" my heart sinks deeper into the cold abyss. "save me" ...

the trick to immortality

"when it comes down to it.. none of us are gonna be around forever.. now we can't dwell on that.. i think the trick is to live your life to its fullest.. make sure you spend as much time as you possibly can with the people you love.." - jonathan kent

sunshower

a sunshower -> "rain while the sun shines".

metaphorically speaking, i had one today. unexpected happenings (which in one way or another involves me) were quite abundant these past few days. it got me wondering whether it be the work of a higher being or just simple coincidences. i guess it was the former.. coincidences just can't be this frequent and accurate. i had my fears and preconceptions about what was going to happen in case those unexpected happenings were to happen but once those things happened, i lost them in a sea of bliss. i was happy for the first time in quite some time. it rained.. and even if it was rain.. it was beautiful.. glowing in the rays of the sun. however, as do all things.. happiness has an end.. the rain poured slower and slower until it vanished in the blanket of reality.

entry 1 of 2. tom na lang ang sunod. study pa ako for SAD. over and out.

an ode to the darkness

i'm not sure if "ode" is an appropriate title for this post but if it means farewell then it is. farewell to the darkness - the darkness that binds my heart. in effect, no more dark colors. notice the new page design. ^^ i don't have much to write. except maybe about the weather. it's pretty hot for november. and my airconditioner is broken. sigh. i'm sweating like a sponge being squeezed tight. december's just around and i'm kinda looking forward to it. cool weather and all. and at Christmas, just about anything can happen. over and out.

the guy under the tree

as i sit on the bench
my eyes stare blankly ahead
at sights blurred and dishreveled
chaotic yet potentially beautiful

i hear the sound of leaves
whispering endlessly in the breeze
giving life to a lonely tree
that stands proud beside me

the day seems dimmer every passing second
clouds make their way
through an ocean of uneasyness
of freedom and blue

cold wind pierces my body
as night feeds from the light
darkness is disturbed
by unwelcome flashes of memories

rushing feelings of love and friendship
bundled into a lifetime of happiness
struggled its way through sadness
fleeing, dispersing, surging

my sembreak so far

i've been busy. hehe. hmm let's see. last last week was the start of my sembreak. we [draftbeer group] finally got our PM project working at our third defense. thank GOd! all there was left to do was to train the staff who would be using our system. piece o' cake! that won't be till the start of the second semester so i've got no more worries for the rest of the break.

my birthday was coming up. october 24 - the day the world was graced by my existence. hehe. i invited some of my highschool buds from Ateneo HS namely lesley, aimee, marc, brian, kenshia, trina, tricia, BJ, and iza. and also my IT3 family along with some special guests namely peter and thyron. it was a fun night. we had a hefty dinner and we hung around the house till late. but the most memorable experience about that night was... uhh.. nothing! memory failed me after drinking a couple of emperador-filled glasses. it's all hazy and boy was it a loooooooong night! i was vomitting all over the house and when morning came, a huge hangover pounded my head. i slept the whole day. hehe. i am never gonna drink again that's for sure.

i got me a new phone. see? it's a sony ericsson s700i. cost me 10500 bucks. my grandma helped me pay for the rest. if u ask me, it's worth it. i've always wanted to have one of those hi-tech phones. and now i got one.

sembreak's end is fast approaching.. it's already oct 31. 1 more week to go minus the days i'm gonna be spending enrolling. i'm both happy and sad to be going to school. happy that i'm going to be seeing my friends again. sad cause.. i'm going to see my friends again. school life's gonna be much harder i guess.. i just gotta try harder! as Rock Lee shouts: enjoy the springtime of youth!!! hehe. over and out.

catching up

i've been really busy with stuff the past few days. It was mostly for our project. Sad to say, we're going on our third defense.. sigh. I hope this is the last one. on the bright side... my mom finally bought a "magic sing". no more worries!!!^^ plus i've got my sem break covered.. i'm gonna go to the gym with my highskul buds everyday.. that should keep me busy til enrollment.. sigh.. i find myself hating going to school.. i've got nothing to look forward to anymore.. i never thought i'd miss her.. well, that's life. over and out.

nothing to do

i've got exams tomorrow and i'm too lazy to study for them. come what may i guess. today, we got screwed at our project defense and our frustrated programming head cried out in... frustration. ^^ more work for us for another seven days. sigh. next wednesday's D Day. do or die. hehe. well on the brightside.. i'm a bit happy.. just for the littlest of reasons. ^^ i won't go in to the details coz there aren't any. ^^ i'm looking forward to finishing our project so i can enjoy our long-awaited break. wish me luck on the exams. three more to go!!! over and out. ^^

i'm not a poet

after the anger has susbided
the only feeling left is emptiness
hatred is just a spectator
to what love can do

all i need is space
to listen to myself
the hurts and the pains
of loving you

please understand
why i need this
i hurt myself
so you can't

there's no doubt
you're still my friend
friendship makes room for love
this time love makes room for friendship

when words are whispered
when feelings are shared
between you and me
only time will tell