i'm not tired of loving you at all

i've just realized that even if you're makulit, sadista, masungit, madaling magalit, moody, pakialamera, mapride AT manhid... i don't want you to change.. dahil sa ayaw mo man o gusto.. mamahalin pa rin kita.. i always have and i always will.

it hurts to love you the way i do. then look at you and realize how that hurt makes me feel so alive. i loved you expecting to be loved in return. i was so selfish then. i've realized that. i know now that loving someone isn't about getting it all back, it's about giving yourself fully to that person and never expecting anything in return.

i am someone who can always be there for you even if you aren't even there for me. i can be a replacement for your boyfriend ^^ i'm glad i pretended to get angry at you for no reason at all. it gave me time to think. i wanted things to happen that weren't supposed to happen. i was still so immature. i needed to distance myself from you.

i missed you so much.. so very much. all you ever did to me was keep me alive. hello. i still care about you.

quote from some tagalog movie:"Loving someone is the greatest mystery in life and how much love you can give is the greatest discovery you can have of yourself."

forward to the future!

i've been thinking a lot lately.. mostly about what's going to happen to me in the near future. i'm revolving around one thing.. graduation. Graduation is a moment that is often looked forward to by most students. However, it is not the case for me. Although I have my share of doubts and frustrations in school, I can cleary see myself graduating given the best of circumstances and my doing good in school. BUT>>> i also dread the day i cut up my roots, grow wings and fly. It's not exactly DREAD dread, it's more like how a baby might feel when he takes his first step - i know it has to happen but i still don't want it to happen. OKAY. I must admit that I'm afraid of growing up, having responsibilities and stuff like that. I've always been carefree, childish and irresponsible. Facing the challenge of the world is a bit too much for the ME right now. But, I'm going to do my best to be the man I'm supposed to be. I think that when I think about these things, I'm slowly growing up and getting ready for what life will throw at me. Goodluck to me!

a promise

Now you are my beloved ghost
And here i’ll wait for you to sing
Then we will have eternity
A promise to keep haunting me

This wine
From my veins
These gifts
We’ll take

The sky is ours to keep tonight
Together in this silent sleep
We are the mist that fills the air
Lie still, just be with me

This wine
From my veins
These gifts
We’ll take
And i’ll be
The kiss
The gun
We’ll be draining their blood again

Embrace the rest of me
Well be racing through the night
Again, embrace the rest of me
And then we’ll feast on them, celebrating

I’m not alone
I can feel your eyes on me

I’m not alone
Your soul for all the world to see

Denied another day
Life took you away
I’ll love you just the same

Cause you are my beloved ghost
And here i’ll wait for you to sing
Then we will have eternity
A promise to keep haunting me
The sky is ours to keep tonight
Together in this silent sleep
We are the mist that fills the air
Lie still, just be with me

I’m not alone
I can feel your eyes on me
I’m not alone
Your soul for all the world to see

love is a hidden fire,
a pleasant sore,
a soothing pain,
an agreeable torment,
a sweet wound,
in short - a gentle death!

so long sweet summer

it's been a while since i've written stuff here. lesse..

my summer classes just ended yesterday. i can finally kick back and relax now that our summer projects are done or... semi-done. there's still that pesky defence on may 30. still, summer's ending and i haven't done anything worthwhile.

i definitely want to go the beach. maybe just once before the regular classes start. i can see it now - warm summer sun spreading its rays on the horizon, crystal clear waters, beautiful babes... sigh.

anyways, my love life gone from worst to bad. back when i was YOUNG (that's in highschool) i was sort of a flirt (i still am). i wasn't aware of that then. i just realized it sometime ago. i enjoyed the company of lotsa girls. i had a crush on almost all of the girls in my barkada. maybe it was the excitement of getting to know them that blinded me. it probably wasn't attraction. it was more like interest. this is how i am. i love girls.

i've fallen in love with only two girls in my life. one was in highschool and one was in college. my first love was an achiever. she was very intelligent, witty, cute and loved by all. we were seatmates in second year. we talked a lot, texted a lot and saw each other a lot. i fell for her eventually and the rest is history. fast forward to 2 years later. she suddenly changed after our last summer of highschool. she suddenly turned a cold shoulder towards me. i didn't know why. i found out later after i wrote her a letter saying how much i loved her that she loved somebody else. She loved him even before she knew me. i felt really bad that day. The world was unfair. I chose to move on after crying a bucket of tears.

I talk to myself a lot when im depressed. I pretend that im talking to someone who accepts everything i have to say whether its wrong or right. its my way of dealing with things - anger, hate, love, stuff.. so i talked and talked until the pain in my heart subsided. i tried to rationalize everything that had happened. i tried to figure out what i had done wrong or what i hadn't done at all. in the end, i couldn't find the answers. i tried to fool myself by thinking that i shouldn't love her, i didn't need to love her.. that i didn't love her... but to whoever said that love is all in the mind - you were definitely wrong. my heart ached like it was shattered into a million pieces.

and then we graduated. we went to college at the same university. we were friends again. now, just friends... close but not too close.

and then history repeats itself. you know the rest.

my love life's gone from worst to bad. it's gotten better. my heart has setted but i think i can't possibly fall in love anymore. i think im doomed to walk this world alone. it's better to love that not to have loved at all.. yeah. i think so too. in love, the reward is better than the risk.. but when you go through all the risk and all you get is a punishment in the end.. love isn't that tempting anymore.. somebody please save me...

i never wanted it to end

i finally finished Kingdom Hearts II!!! it was such a great game; it's got a wonderful story, a lovable cast of disney and squaresoft characters, and just loads of fun to play. however, finishing it made me realize that my great and awesome journey through the different worlds of the game was over. sigh. now i gotta find me a new game. i'm excited about Kingdom Hearts III though. i wonder what it will be like... hehe. just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

hey JAMMIN JANA!

hey thanks for dropping by. it's not really that AMAZING. haha! but thanks anyways. you can embed music in your blog by adding this to your template script (embed src="site/music" loop="true" autoplay="true" volume="80" hidden="true")
for example:
mine goes like this

(embed src="http://www.gamerlounge.com/midi/playstation2/kingdom-hearts/always-on-my-mind.mid" loop="true" autoplay="true" volume="80" hidden="true") replace () with <>

you can find such music on the net by going to webcrawler.com. i suggest you use music that are .mid format cause they are smaller compared to mp3 and wav. .mid formats have no vocals though.

looking forward to hearing from you soon!

update

background music: always on my mind from my favorite Kingdom Hearts

where art thou summer?

Lately I have been holed up in my room and doing nothing. I have my own world, apart from the chaotic reality that is the outside. I am quite busy with schoolwork these few weeks. I think I am about to have a major burnout. I am so tired from all the thinking. The hot summer never looked so welcoming. I look forward to going to the beach, chilling out with my friends and just having fun. However, schoolwork is a pain in the ass. I guess I just have to suck it in and tread through the stretching trail of burning sand.

soooooper lazy

tapos na ang prelims.. and so ends midterm... finals na naman. to tell the truth.. i'm pretty tired of school, of doing the same old things everyday, and of friends who never seem to change for the better. i never really enjoyed our numerous parties, outings and gimiks.. strange really. i'd rather be spending time alone. and when i'm alone.. all i need do is play around and more or less do nothing to merit any praise. i feel like being lazy always. i don't feel like studying. i'm always late or absent for my first class. what the heck is happening to me?! i guess i have no more inspiration.. nothing to keep me alive and well.. nothing to look forward to. i don't feel like planning for my future. time is going too fast. everyday is like a blur of noise, lights and people. how i wish i could stop time and linger in every moment that is precious. i miss the feeling of being warm, of being cared for, of being alive..

something from a friend

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute.

bliss

sabi pa ni alain bliss is happiness.. (correct me if i am wrong lain). naisip ko lang un kasi right this moment.. i'm in bliss. atik lang. haha. wala lang malagay sa blog and it's needs updating man. so.. end.

another thought about love

To love someone is to isolate one from the world, wipe out every trace of her, dispossess her of her shadow, drag her into a murderous future. It is to circle around the other like a dead star and absorb her into a black light.

Jean Baudrillard

music to my ears

(it's been a while since i posted a new entry here.. let's see..)

let me just share this with you. i usually don't have the writer's appetite. that is why i have a tendency to forgo my scheduled blogging sessions. however, when i listen to the embedded music here(flowers blooming in the church from Final Fantasy VII) the magic begins.

new year has come and gone.. people made their resolutions and now try to follow them.. i for one did not.. i didn't feel the need. perhaps, i've already changed maybe for the better or maybe for the worse. i wouldn't know. but i'd like to believe that it's for the better.

i've learned a lot last year. i'd like to mention a few. i've learned that indeed honesty is the best policy. it is true academically as it is emotionally. i wasn't honest to myself back then which means i feel like i am now. i don't feel the need to meet others' expectations of me now. i consider myself captain to my ship. i won't let anybody dictate the life i should live. i've also learned that with joy there is sadness, with life there is death and with love there is hurt. i guess i knew that as far as i could remember however i merely "knew" and did not "experience".

i regret a LOT of things i have done. i admit i have been my worst last year. i did some things i thought i wouldn't do especially to a person whom i love. love makes people do crazy things as they say. if i were to meet "the me last year", i would kick the crap out of him. well, life's like that. the best way to live life is to simply live it with all its highs and lows. but last year didn't only bring me regrets. it also gave me the best memories of my life-memories that i could cherish for the rest of my life. although they keep haunting me to this day and making me regret the things i've done, it's only when i remember those memories that i feel that i was truly alive.

eventually this year will become the old year and the vicious cycle will continue. but as i set sail on this section of my life, the year 2006, i light up the lantern aboard my humble ship - the hope that this year will bring me more memories to cherish, more people to appreciate and love and more experiences to experience. a happy new year to you all! ^-^

(tinatamad akong magproofread. pasensya na sa grammatical and spelling errors)

a respite from the past

i dwell in present yet i always find myself looking back on the past. "why?" memories keep flashing before my eyes.. it's true what they say that memories are the hardest things to erase. regret.. this i most fear. but alas! i cannot escape its chains. it binds me everyday, every passing second. "no!" my heart aches. no longer do i feel hurt. now i feel only emptiness. they say it's easier to forget when you let go and move on. "i can't move on.. i still haven't let go." my heart still belongs to her though she may not think it anymore. "sigh" i am doomed to walk this barren wasteland of sorrow. i am not desperate. i am just heartbroken.. broken.. i think beyond repair. "somebody save me" i needed a rest from the past. i had. now it's ending. "farewell!" my heart sinks deeper into the cold abyss. "save me" ...

the trick to immortality

"when it comes down to it.. none of us are gonna be around forever.. now we can't dwell on that.. i think the trick is to live your life to its fullest.. make sure you spend as much time as you possibly can with the people you love.." - jonathan kent

sunshower

a sunshower -> "rain while the sun shines".

metaphorically speaking, i had one today. unexpected happenings (which in one way or another involves me) were quite abundant these past few days. it got me wondering whether it be the work of a higher being or just simple coincidences. i guess it was the former.. coincidences just can't be this frequent and accurate. i had my fears and preconceptions about what was going to happen in case those unexpected happenings were to happen but once those things happened, i lost them in a sea of bliss. i was happy for the first time in quite some time. it rained.. and even if it was rain.. it was beautiful.. glowing in the rays of the sun. however, as do all things.. happiness has an end.. the rain poured slower and slower until it vanished in the blanket of reality.

entry 1 of 2. tom na lang ang sunod. study pa ako for SAD. over and out.

an ode to the darkness

i'm not sure if "ode" is an appropriate title for this post but if it means farewell then it is. farewell to the darkness - the darkness that binds my heart. in effect, no more dark colors. notice the new page design. ^^ i don't have much to write. except maybe about the weather. it's pretty hot for november. and my airconditioner is broken. sigh. i'm sweating like a sponge being squeezed tight. december's just around and i'm kinda looking forward to it. cool weather and all. and at Christmas, just about anything can happen. over and out.

the guy under the tree

as i sit on the bench
my eyes stare blankly ahead
at sights blurred and dishreveled
chaotic yet potentially beautiful

i hear the sound of leaves
whispering endlessly in the breeze
giving life to a lonely tree
that stands proud beside me

the day seems dimmer every passing second
clouds make their way
through an ocean of uneasyness
of freedom and blue

cold wind pierces my body
as night feeds from the light
darkness is disturbed
by unwelcome flashes of memories

rushing feelings of love and friendship
bundled into a lifetime of happiness
struggled its way through sadness
fleeing, dispersing, surging