love and friendship

a very nice poem i came across ^^ it's like the author took the words right out of my heart.

When Best Friends Love

by Ron Carnell

You entered my life like a gentle sigh, like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves. You were a stranger first, one who laughed freely and easily, who spoke of minor intimacies and common grounds, who made me feel strangely liked and valued. You became my friend, no longer a stranger, trusting me with secrets hidden, confiding what you liked and hated. We talked and laughed and, as time passed by, I grew more and more dependent upon your smile. From strangers to friends was just a baby step, a step a thousand others take every day. Without your trust and trusting ways, without your smiles and encouraging gaze, I would never have taken the step beyond. But the gentle breeze blowing through the leaves is relentless and never ending. We became closer friends, and closer still, until much of my life was centered around the times we spent together. We traveled far along the path of friendship, avoiding the bumps somehow, never stumbling, always in step with one another. You were my guide, my eyes and ears, the unfailing light that lit the road before us. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, you brought me along our course, to a destination I had never seen before. You became my best friend along that journey, the anchor in my life where none had ever been. You did a good job of guiding our steps, a job no other could ever do, and it wasn't your fault, really, when I stumbled. Somewhere along our path, perhaps where the heights were making me dizzy with joy, I simply lost my balance and fell. By the grace of God, I fell not to either side, nor to the rear, but fell instead forward, along the path we'd tread. My plunge forward was unguided, and my steps were steps you never intended. I fell in love with you. From strangers, to friends, to close friends, to best friends. And beyond. I've never been sorry for any step we've taken together, no, not even for the fall I took alone. I never knew, before knowing you, how empty my life had been. I thought I was happy. I thought I was successful. I thought I had known love and all that love can bring. But the gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves, carries the smell of wild flowers and still wilder beasts, and what you brought into my life can never be assessed. We are so very different, you and I. And yet so much the same. And our differences merge with our similarities, giving rise to something special and unique. We talk. Of all the things I value about this thing that is us, and there are so many I often lose count, I value most the way we talk about any thing any time any where. And each time I listen to you, each time I ponder what you've said, I learn something new. About you. About me. About the world. I've learned to trust in your instincts. I love the vitality and zest that is so much a part of you. I never would have believed the breeze, blowing softly through the leaves, could be so filled with life. I treasure that spark of spirit in you, that flashing flare of fire that animates all that you do. It's easy to see how much you love life, even when life is sometimes less than lovable, and that love is always mirrored in your eyes and smile. You are never more beautiful than when that spark ignites and your vitality blazes in your happy face. And, yes, I love your beauty, shallow as that may sound. I love the way your eyes change from blue to blue-green, the way the morning sun catches afire in your hair, the way your nostrils move when you breathe deep breaths, the way your tongue slips out of its safe harbor when you think deep thoughts. I love the curve of your cheek, that soft milky canvas for the faint scar you won't talk about. I love your tiny eyelashes, the small gaps in your teeth, the way your earlobes hang lower than mine. Your beauty truly takes my breath away. I love the way you trust in me, never quite whole hearted, but always just enough. That trust started as a small seed, I think, a tentative whisper of unearned confidence, often shrouded by a cloak of hesitation and unsurety. I could always tell when you faltered, when the steps we took were uncertain and questioned. And yet still you trusted me, with your secrets, with your feelings, with yourself. You'll never know how much that trust has meant to me. I love the way you understand me too well. It's uncanny sometimes how well you know my thoughts, my feelings, my moods, frightening at times how closely our lives have become interlinked. You know so much of me, secrets I've never told, thoughts I've never shared, parts of me I've never seen myself. You've discovered a window into my being, a window I didn't know was there, a window no one else has ever found. It's almost as if our two souls have merged into one, almost as if the hand of God has repaired that which once was broken. I love the way we have fun doing the strangest things, or the way we can enjoy each other doing nothing at all. We shop and walk, eat and talk, playing games apart and united. We study and drill, work and play, listening to music and singing the words together. We have fun with each other, frolicking in our shared pleasures, you enjoying the thrill of life, me just enjoying you. I'm not blinded by my love, though, and know you are not perfect. You are impatient and easy to anger, too intolerant when you should tolerate, too forgiving when you shouldn't forgive. You allow the stresses of life to mold your day, allow the commitments of life to shape your way. I know your imperfections as well as your perfections, know your faults as well as your assets. And I find I love you not in spite of those, but as much because of them as anything else. Your life has touched mine. My friendship with you, my love for you, all that you are and aren't, have changed my life in ways you cannot fathom, in ways I could never describe in depth. The gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves, has worked her wondrous magic, transforming the one she touched. I'm not the same man I was a year ago. I will never be that man again. The communication we've shared has taught me to value our honest openness, and I know I'll never be satisfied again with less. Your trust in me has taught me to trust in you, knowing you will never intentionally cause me pain. Your spark of vitality has transformed the way I see life, giving me reason again to live and cause to celebrate. Your beauty, both inner and outer, has renewed the wonder with which I see the world, and has restored my sense of awe. Even the fun we share, that senseless sense of joy, has changed the way I live and think. As much as you've altered my present, though, the effect you've had on my future is just as great. I once thought I knew what love meant to me, once thought I had experienced all that life had to offer. I lived and I loved, and I hurt and I grew, and I believed I could never love again, could never willingly face the pain of caring. Love was a myth, I thought, and true love, lasting love, was just a lie told by poets. But I was wrong. In learning to love you, I discovered I've never loved before. Not truly. Not entirely. Not eternally. I've spent much of my life in love with love, searching for the fulfillment of a concept, caring more for caring than caring for another person. I confused lust with love, intimacy with affection. And when those feelings waned, when the relationships died, I wondered why I felt so empty. So hurt. You changed that, as you've changed so much else. You taught me how to love. I wish you knew the me of before, as you know so well the me of today, so you could see the difference knowing you has made. You've changed my life in so many ways, in ways small and ways important, in ways you'll never know nor understand. The impact you've had on me, on the way I feel and think and act, will endure forever. Until the end of time. Like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves.

i'm not tired of loving you at all

i've just realized that even if you're makulit, sadista, masungit, madaling magalit, moody, pakialamera, mapride AT manhid... i don't want you to change.. dahil sa ayaw mo man o gusto.. mamahalin pa rin kita.. i always have and i always will.

it hurts to love you the way i do. then look at you and realize how that hurt makes me feel so alive. i loved you expecting to be loved in return. i was so selfish then. i've realized that. i know now that loving someone isn't about getting it all back, it's about giving yourself fully to that person and never expecting anything in return.

i am someone who can always be there for you even if you aren't even there for me. i can be a replacement for your boyfriend ^^ i'm glad i pretended to get angry at you for no reason at all. it gave me time to think. i wanted things to happen that weren't supposed to happen. i was still so immature. i needed to distance myself from you.

i missed you so much.. so very much. all you ever did to me was keep me alive. hello. i still care about you.

quote from some tagalog movie:"Loving someone is the greatest mystery in life and how much love you can give is the greatest discovery you can have of yourself."

forward to the future!

i've been thinking a lot lately.. mostly about what's going to happen to me in the near future. i'm revolving around one thing.. graduation. Graduation is a moment that is often looked forward to by most students. However, it is not the case for me. Although I have my share of doubts and frustrations in school, I can cleary see myself graduating given the best of circumstances and my doing good in school. BUT>>> i also dread the day i cut up my roots, grow wings and fly. It's not exactly DREAD dread, it's more like how a baby might feel when he takes his first step - i know it has to happen but i still don't want it to happen. OKAY. I must admit that I'm afraid of growing up, having responsibilities and stuff like that. I've always been carefree, childish and irresponsible. Facing the challenge of the world is a bit too much for the ME right now. But, I'm going to do my best to be the man I'm supposed to be. I think that when I think about these things, I'm slowly growing up and getting ready for what life will throw at me. Goodluck to me!

a promise

Now you are my beloved ghost
And here i’ll wait for you to sing
Then we will have eternity
A promise to keep haunting me

This wine
From my veins
These gifts
We’ll take

The sky is ours to keep tonight
Together in this silent sleep
We are the mist that fills the air
Lie still, just be with me

This wine
From my veins
These gifts
We’ll take
And i’ll be
The kiss
The gun
We’ll be draining their blood again

Embrace the rest of me
Well be racing through the night
Again, embrace the rest of me
And then we’ll feast on them, celebrating

I’m not alone
I can feel your eyes on me

I’m not alone
Your soul for all the world to see

Denied another day
Life took you away
I’ll love you just the same

Cause you are my beloved ghost
And here i’ll wait for you to sing
Then we will have eternity
A promise to keep haunting me
The sky is ours to keep tonight
Together in this silent sleep
We are the mist that fills the air
Lie still, just be with me

I’m not alone
I can feel your eyes on me
I’m not alone
Your soul for all the world to see

love is a hidden fire,
a pleasant sore,
a soothing pain,
an agreeable torment,
a sweet wound,
in short - a gentle death!

so long sweet summer

it's been a while since i've written stuff here. lesse..

my summer classes just ended yesterday. i can finally kick back and relax now that our summer projects are done or... semi-done. there's still that pesky defence on may 30. still, summer's ending and i haven't done anything worthwhile.

i definitely want to go the beach. maybe just once before the regular classes start. i can see it now - warm summer sun spreading its rays on the horizon, crystal clear waters, beautiful babes... sigh.

anyways, my love life gone from worst to bad. back when i was YOUNG (that's in highschool) i was sort of a flirt (i still am). i wasn't aware of that then. i just realized it sometime ago. i enjoyed the company of lotsa girls. i had a crush on almost all of the girls in my barkada. maybe it was the excitement of getting to know them that blinded me. it probably wasn't attraction. it was more like interest. this is how i am. i love girls.

i've fallen in love with only two girls in my life. one was in highschool and one was in college. my first love was an achiever. she was very intelligent, witty, cute and loved by all. we were seatmates in second year. we talked a lot, texted a lot and saw each other a lot. i fell for her eventually and the rest is history. fast forward to 2 years later. she suddenly changed after our last summer of highschool. she suddenly turned a cold shoulder towards me. i didn't know why. i found out later after i wrote her a letter saying how much i loved her that she loved somebody else. She loved him even before she knew me. i felt really bad that day. The world was unfair. I chose to move on after crying a bucket of tears.

I talk to myself a lot when im depressed. I pretend that im talking to someone who accepts everything i have to say whether its wrong or right. its my way of dealing with things - anger, hate, love, stuff.. so i talked and talked until the pain in my heart subsided. i tried to rationalize everything that had happened. i tried to figure out what i had done wrong or what i hadn't done at all. in the end, i couldn't find the answers. i tried to fool myself by thinking that i shouldn't love her, i didn't need to love her.. that i didn't love her... but to whoever said that love is all in the mind - you were definitely wrong. my heart ached like it was shattered into a million pieces.

and then we graduated. we went to college at the same university. we were friends again. now, just friends... close but not too close.

and then history repeats itself. you know the rest.

my love life's gone from worst to bad. it's gotten better. my heart has setted but i think i can't possibly fall in love anymore. i think im doomed to walk this world alone. it's better to love that not to have loved at all.. yeah. i think so too. in love, the reward is better than the risk.. but when you go through all the risk and all you get is a punishment in the end.. love isn't that tempting anymore.. somebody please save me...

i never wanted it to end

i finally finished Kingdom Hearts II!!! it was such a great game; it's got a wonderful story, a lovable cast of disney and squaresoft characters, and just loads of fun to play. however, finishing it made me realize that my great and awesome journey through the different worlds of the game was over. sigh. now i gotta find me a new game. i'm excited about Kingdom Hearts III though. i wonder what it will be like... hehe. just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

hey JAMMIN JANA!

hey thanks for dropping by. it's not really that AMAZING. haha! but thanks anyways. you can embed music in your blog by adding this to your template script (embed src="site/music" loop="true" autoplay="true" volume="80" hidden="true")
for example:
mine goes like this

(embed src="http://www.gamerlounge.com/midi/playstation2/kingdom-hearts/always-on-my-mind.mid" loop="true" autoplay="true" volume="80" hidden="true") replace () with <>

you can find such music on the net by going to webcrawler.com. i suggest you use music that are .mid format cause they are smaller compared to mp3 and wav. .mid formats have no vocals though.

looking forward to hearing from you soon!

update

background music: always on my mind from my favorite Kingdom Hearts

where art thou summer?

Lately I have been holed up in my room and doing nothing. I have my own world, apart from the chaotic reality that is the outside. I am quite busy with schoolwork these few weeks. I think I am about to have a major burnout. I am so tired from all the thinking. The hot summer never looked so welcoming. I look forward to going to the beach, chilling out with my friends and just having fun. However, schoolwork is a pain in the ass. I guess I just have to suck it in and tread through the stretching trail of burning sand.

soooooper lazy

tapos na ang prelims.. and so ends midterm... finals na naman. to tell the truth.. i'm pretty tired of school, of doing the same old things everyday, and of friends who never seem to change for the better. i never really enjoyed our numerous parties, outings and gimiks.. strange really. i'd rather be spending time alone. and when i'm alone.. all i need do is play around and more or less do nothing to merit any praise. i feel like being lazy always. i don't feel like studying. i'm always late or absent for my first class. what the heck is happening to me?! i guess i have no more inspiration.. nothing to keep me alive and well.. nothing to look forward to. i don't feel like planning for my future. time is going too fast. everyday is like a blur of noise, lights and people. how i wish i could stop time and linger in every moment that is precious. i miss the feeling of being warm, of being cared for, of being alive..

something from a friend

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute.

bliss

sabi pa ni alain bliss is happiness.. (correct me if i am wrong lain). naisip ko lang un kasi right this moment.. i'm in bliss. atik lang. haha. wala lang malagay sa blog and it's needs updating man. so.. end.

another thought about love

To love someone is to isolate one from the world, wipe out every trace of her, dispossess her of her shadow, drag her into a murderous future. It is to circle around the other like a dead star and absorb her into a black light.

Jean Baudrillard

music to my ears

(it's been a while since i posted a new entry here.. let's see..)

let me just share this with you. i usually don't have the writer's appetite. that is why i have a tendency to forgo my scheduled blogging sessions. however, when i listen to the embedded music here(flowers blooming in the church from Final Fantasy VII) the magic begins.

new year has come and gone.. people made their resolutions and now try to follow them.. i for one did not.. i didn't feel the need. perhaps, i've already changed maybe for the better or maybe for the worse. i wouldn't know. but i'd like to believe that it's for the better.

i've learned a lot last year. i'd like to mention a few. i've learned that indeed honesty is the best policy. it is true academically as it is emotionally. i wasn't honest to myself back then which means i feel like i am now. i don't feel the need to meet others' expectations of me now. i consider myself captain to my ship. i won't let anybody dictate the life i should live. i've also learned that with joy there is sadness, with life there is death and with love there is hurt. i guess i knew that as far as i could remember however i merely "knew" and did not "experience".

i regret a LOT of things i have done. i admit i have been my worst last year. i did some things i thought i wouldn't do especially to a person whom i love. love makes people do crazy things as they say. if i were to meet "the me last year", i would kick the crap out of him. well, life's like that. the best way to live life is to simply live it with all its highs and lows. but last year didn't only bring me regrets. it also gave me the best memories of my life-memories that i could cherish for the rest of my life. although they keep haunting me to this day and making me regret the things i've done, it's only when i remember those memories that i feel that i was truly alive.

eventually this year will become the old year and the vicious cycle will continue. but as i set sail on this section of my life, the year 2006, i light up the lantern aboard my humble ship - the hope that this year will bring me more memories to cherish, more people to appreciate and love and more experiences to experience. a happy new year to you all! ^-^

(tinatamad akong magproofread. pasensya na sa grammatical and spelling errors)